INSPIRATION, LIFE, MY STYLE

Dear Momma…

17 March 2015
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Dear Momma,

I have counted every year since your passing like a child counts the minutes to Christmas Day.

Somewhere in the back of my unconscious mind, still questioning why you had to leave so soon. Why you’d be absent at all the most important and sometimes painful moments in my life, like Prom, Valedictory, moving abroad, or graduation?

I feel like I didn’t even get a chance to know you. I barely remember your face. The touch of your skin. The music in your voice. The authenticity in your smile, the pureness of your soul….

There are so many things I don’t know about you, but there are a few things I want you to know about me.

I’m thirty today.
And I look a lot like you. Daddy says I even act a lot like you too.

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I’ve tried hard to become the woman everyone says you were; a woman of class, distinguished, smart, caring and strong.
You don’t know this, but from high school all through University, I suffered from a negative self-image. Back in the late 90’s, before Nikki Minaj and Beyoncé made history, the ‘generous behind’ I inherited from you was my biggest burden. Big Tees and baggy jeans did little to save my fragile ego from the incisive remarks and insisting stares – yes, teenagers can be really cruel…. I wish you’d been a phone call away on those long nights I cried myself to sleep. I wish I’d learnt much sooner to carry myself with pride and celebrate the curl of my spine and the round of my hips….

You don’t know this, but I’ve constantly measured myself to you, wanting with every part of my being to outperform your achievements in just about everything: Top 10 in high school, student of the year in Varsity, Best performer at work, all in the hopes of making you and Daddy proud. I just wish you’d told me it was okay to lose a few battles, that second best is just as good as first and that in every failure there are lessons to be learnt….

I invested a big part of myself in certain relationships, convinced I’d get the same love and devotion in return. I trusted people I barely knew, who challenged my trust and inevitably broke my heart. I wish you’d told me people were hypocrites, that love actually hurts and that not all friendships last forever….

I foolishly believed I would conquer the world by 30, that I’d be a multi-millionaire, married with children and running some successful business. I wish you’d told me life was more about finding and conquering me, rather than conquering the world…..

You see mom, I’ve been through some of the toughest moments growing up, but I finally stopped trying to be perfect the moment I realized I could never conform to society’s ideals of beauty, happiness and success.

Now that I’m finally 30 I realize that I still don’t know everything there is to know about love, about life or becoming an adult, and that despite the experiences I’ve gone through, there are still many exciting times and challenges ahead.

Never have I felt more alive, surer of myself and my choices. I realize that my own company can be a real treat at times, that Friday nights don’t have to end at 3am on Monday morning and that letting go of the past is therapy close to none.

I understand now, that liking me is more important than being liked by everyone else.

At 30, I finally feel I know who I really am.

This is me, Fabulously and unapologetically 30 – I hope I made you proud.

Love Teekay
xxx

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Coat (H&M)
Shoes (Corneille – Christian Louboutin)
Clutch (Parfois)

All images are Copyright©
Photos credits by Nanamybrass
Thank you for stopping by.

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Comments

  1. ElleCooper

    17 March 2015 at 11:38 AM Reply

    Amazing. This letter to your Mother really touched me. I grew up without my mom too and an absent father. These obstacles however difficult? have indeed made me the woman I am today. We cannot change our past but we are in charge of what lies before us. You look beautiful at 30 and you have achieved a lot than most people. I look up to you, you became my inspiration from the moment I start following your journey. Take care, Love Elle

  2. Sovanny

    17 March 2015 at 12:28 PM Reply

    Girl you definitely got me all emotional reading this piece. Perhaps because I’m a mother myself. Happy 30th birthday gorgeous girl. Keep doing what you do because it really is something to be proud of. On a style note, I looove you in red.

    Sovanny Xx

  3. Mona

    17 March 2015 at 1:29 PM Reply

    Dear Teekay

    I’m sure your mommy is smiling down on you, touching letter indeed. Losing a mom comes with a bag of emotions from time to time, at least my experience. Happy birthday girl, celebrate❤

    1. Teekay

      4 May 2015 at 1:19 PM Reply

      Hi Mona, Thank you So much for your message and for reading the article. Much love to you xxx

  4. blogmoninstant

    17 March 2015 at 2:32 PM Reply

    Hi love,

    You definitely got me emotional, with teary eyes. This is such a beautiful, authentic letter. We can feel your heartbeat through each word, it is very touching and stunning.

    I now realize that going through a lot at a young age, having so many of our young years being tough, is a blessing. Because it turns us quickly into our better self. When I look at you, when I read you, I feel that fate knows what it’s doing. Your weaknesses serve your strength. Your failures nourrish your successes. Your desillusions light up your certitudes. I think that you’re becoming a woman in a way not a lot of us do.

    I’m sure both your parents are very and deeply proud of you. I believe in God, so I believe your Mom is right there, by your side, and she must be smiling so brightly seeing what a beautiful soul you have. You’re fierce, proud, generous, loving, caring, curious, a hard worker, always challenging yourself to do your best – but now, you have this amazing strength of knowing how losing can be giving. You’ve been so hard on yourself … Being aware of your mistakes is great, but only if you’re looking at the whole picture, meaning that you also have to look at your success. And I think you’re getting there. You know your limits, but you keep on teasing them, challenging them to win over them, but in a more patient and calm way. You keep on going on, but you now know that it’s not about grabbing everything on the way – but grabbing what matters.

    Oh my Gosh, I’m already writing so much, I’m sorry ! But you’re such a complete and conquering soul that there’s always a ton of good things to write about you.

    About your photos, as always, it’s such an art. You’re bright and beautiful and full of life. Let’s not forget Nanamybrass’s love showing and shining through the lens – he’s very talented. You guys are definitely an ideal goal !
    Also, you are a beautiful woman. Inside and out. You’re feminine, you’re sexy, you’re cute.

    You’re a very good friend and it’s okay for you to doubt, make mistakes, struggle. It’s life, we’re all like that, all going through it, nobody can claim to be perfect. But at least, you’re true. It’s not about being flawless : it’s about still being genuinely kind even through our flaws. And you’re like that.

    Okay, I’m going to stop now, but I just wanted to tell you that you can be proud of yourself.

    I love you very very much and I can’t wait to keep on knowing you better through the years.

    Yours truly,
    Marion. ♥

    1. Anonymous

      13 April 2015 at 5:05 AM Reply

      Teekay… Such beautiful words…You are beautiful, truly amazing and utterly inspirational.

      1. Teekay

        4 May 2015 at 1:17 PM Reply

        Thank you very much. I appreciate your words of encouragement

  5. WANJIRU

    29 April 2015 at 9:36 AM Reply

    OMG… am a first timer here and i am IMPRESSED, actually mavelled…..

    http://www.wanjiruwangethe.me.ke

    1. Teekay

      4 May 2015 at 1:17 PM Reply

      Awww. Thank you So much and welcome

  6. Wendy

    5 May 2015 at 1:37 PM Reply

    I’m sure your Momma is smiling down on you from heaven saying ‘well done precious one, well done’. You’ve learnt such valuable lessons so early (yes, 30 is early to have figured this all out) and the sky is buy a tippy toe reach away for you.

    Stay as amazing, alluring, divine, spontaneous, gentle and beautiful as you are – your soul shines through in every image and word posted on your blog.

    As I mother myself, I’d love to give you a hug right now.

    Vous êtes une benediction
    Wendy

    1. Teekay

      8 August 2015 at 3:35 PM Reply

      Thank you so much Wendy. I truly appreciate reading your lovely comment. Be blessed! Teekay xx

  7. esun

    20 May 2015 at 10:59 AM Reply

    Je crois en Dieu, je crois que votre maman est juste là.

    1. Teekay

      8 August 2015 at 3:33 PM Reply

      Merci beaucoup ma puce xx

  8. belloabito

    28 May 2015 at 11:55 AM Reply

    Great! Good like!abiti da sera economici

    1. Teekay

      8 August 2015 at 3:32 PM Reply

      Thank you xx

  9. Lynne Kayenne

    14 June 2015 at 10:21 PM Reply

    This made me cry!! very raw and candid!! Your mom will be proud of the woman you have become
    http://www.populairelife.co.uk

    1. Teekay

      8 August 2015 at 3:32 PM Reply

      Thank you so much hun xx

  10. Anonymous

    25 July 2015 at 10:05 PM Reply

    Hadn’t been on your blog for a while (hides face) and I came on reading the smoothie one then jumped back to this one. Beautiful letter to your momma…you are so incredibly brave for facing your demons head-on and conquering them..learning to love Teekay for who she is! I’ve experienced your strength, your courage, your vivacity, your loyalty, your love first-hand and I can say that u are an inspiring woman. I love you always.
    LS

    1. Teekay

      8 August 2015 at 3:23 PM Reply

      Thank you So much Love! I really appreciate Your Lovely comment. xx

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